I think I’m adopted.
Over the years I have often claimed to be adopted. This has been more out of desperation than any gut instinct, especially when taking my Dad out in public. But after today’s Father’s Day lunch I am convinced I can’t actually be part of this family. And there is one reason and one reason only for that I have realised this.
I know nothing about football.
Now, if you are from England, you’ll probably be thinking; “What? He knows nothing about soccer?”. Or if you’re from Tasmania or Victoria you’ll be thinking; “You know nothing about AFL?”. Well, both of those statements are true. But no, I’m talking about NRL – my father’s one true religion and an obsession in the Sydney community that I have never been able to fit my head around.
I was sitting at the table. Mum was on one side of me, Dad was on the other. Across the table were my sister and her fiancée. They were all talking; apparently about their fantasy football teams. “It’s a good thing you sold such and such,” said my sister’s fiancée. “Yeah,” said Mum. “I sold him to buy so and so.” I would love to say the names, but it went right over my head. I was too busy trying to comprehend the concept of buying and selling people. Discussion then switched to refereeing. I think. And talk of finals, of strengths and weaknesses of teams, of the faults of players and the hosts of the football shows on T.V.
All the while I was sitting in the middle, running over Welsh prepositions and their declensions in my head and wondering if I could make a jump for it through the glass window behind me.
How can I get to this stage of my life – living in Sydney with a football mad father and the great niece of one of the Balmain Tigers’ greatest ever coaches for a mother – without knowing a single thing about football? People ask me what team I support and I just stare at my shoes and mumble something about not liking football while they stare at me as though I’ve just announced I’m a banker. People throw words at me like ‘dummy half’ and ‘5/8’… or is it ‘4/8’… and I feel like I’m sitting in a German listening exam after 6 years of studying French.
I just can’t seem to grasp football. It’s so boring! One team runs forward with the ball while the other tries to knock them to the ground. Eventually they kick the ball to the other end of the field and the other team runs forward with the ball while the first team tries to knock them to the ground. This goes on for… how long are these games? I don’t even know. Too long. The entire experience is akin to sitting in class watching the clock slowly ticking towards home time.
The bizarre thing is I find a fast paced, action packed sport like football extremely tedious, while I can get hours of enjoyment out of an 8 part series on the history of the English language.
It’s not just the fact that I find it boring either. There are lots of things I don’t like about football. There’s the fact that it’s no longer a sport but an entertainment industry. Games are geared towards television timeslots and ratings. The players are treated like Gods and paid millions. Why? Long ago, in the dim dark past when my dad was a young man, players were tradies and actually had jobs. Now they’re only source of income rests on the fact that they can hold a ball without dropping it (for the most part) and can knock over other people who can hold a ball. Yes, well done, you’re very skilled at an athletic past time. Kudos to you. But really, how in any way are you helping society? Have you cured cancer? No. Have you helped feed the hungry or house the homeless? No. Have you made any contributions to the betterment of others? Not really. They really do nothing and earn millions for it – like actors or CEO’s. True; there are players and clubs who are involved in charities, involved in programs with disadvantaged children and fundraising for medical research. But has anyone noticed that there was a sudden increase in these charitable involvements AFTER all the scandals which made footballers look like overpaid, socially irresponsible imbeciles? It is only a select few of these players that make the rest look bad, but the whole charity thing smacks a little of P.R. with a note of desperation.
Perhaps I am being too harsh. Again I point out that not all players act like idiots in the public eye, and there are players who truly believe in the charities they are involved in and want to make a difference. I am generalising – but it’s the general culture surrounding the game that turns me off it, rather than the actions of individual players. I would be less annoyed if players actually had to go out and earn their living like the rest of us.
In the meantime, I will never like or understand the game. It’s inevitable that whenever my dad and my soon-to-be brother in law get together the talk will turn to football. In fact it’s inevitable that whenever anyone in my family gets together they will talk about football. And I will forever be stuck in the middle, not even pretending to understand, while words and comments and other football related things fly over my head like deranged geese.
For now the best thing will be to lay back, close my eyes and think of English.
