Chapter One – Creation
Excerpt from ‘The Book of Creation’ by W. P. Fieldsworth – the first accurate writings on the history of creationism – hailed by critics as the best cookbook since the Bible and marginally less credible than Harry Potter.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was; “Is this thing on?”
In all the universe there was nothing. And God did look upon the nothingness, and he created the stars and the planets which blocked the view. Then God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was light so one could not see the nothing a lot clearer. And also in this time God spaketh; ‘Thou shalt not use double negatives’.
Then God created the sun and the moon and the earth. And on earth he built a beautiful garden which was the first miracle for Don Burke and Peter Cundell were not yet born. In this garden he created the first plants and trees and animals. And also he created Adam, who was the first man. But Adam was lonely, so God said; “Give up one of thy ribs and I will make for thee a mate.” And Adam said; “Oh yeah? Pull the other one.” And God did sayeth; “No really. I am thy God, I can do that you know. Now give up thy rib, there’s a good man.” And Adam did grow angry and said; “No! It is mine.” And God did sigh, and snatched a rib from Adam while he slept.
So when Adam awoke he did espy Eve, who was the first woman. Also his chest was sore and he found he was more flexible. And thus mankind was born. Also womankind. And genetic engineering. So afterwards came the children of Adam and Eve, and their children, and their children, until humans populated the planet. And to this day all children are the children of God, and of Adam and Eve. Thus all mankind is related and we are the result of thousands of years of inbreeding (which explains reality television).
Then came the other Gods - Ra, father of the sun; Neptune with his forked trident; Zeus who was very good at rhyming and wrote many children’s stories; and countless others. And they said “Who does this God think he is, with all his creating and suchlike. We want in.” So they all went their separate ways and tried their hand at creation. The Greek Gods created knowledge. The Chinese Spirits created wisdom. The Roman Gods created entertainment (and thus brought plague and pestilence upon mankind in the form of morning television). The African Spirits created unity; the Aboriginal Spirits created affinity with the land. And the Egyptian gods created maths for which they were forever scorned, and also cats which mystified even God.
And God looked upon the creations with scorn and said; “But what is knowledge and wisdom and cats and the rest without man?”
And the others replied; “A far sight better.”
And God scratched his and said; “That’s a fair point.”
But Zeus stood up and said; “The Greek religion is the best, for we have democracy and philosophers.”
And Jupiter stood up and said; “The Latin religion is best, for we have entertainment.” And this was ignored.
Then Ra stood up and said; “The Egyptian religion is best, because we have cats. Would you like a cat? They hardly ever bite. No? Anyone?”
Finally God rose and said; “My many religions are the best, for each is the true religion, also it is fun to play each religion off against the other.”
Then there was much yelling and arguing and many small civilisations were destroyed in the battle.
And lo, Buddha did appear to them all and said; “Why do you all fight? Are you not all of the same blood? Are you not all metaphysical beings born from the same notion of human belief? Are you not, united, the creators of the most noble and beautiful planet in the galaxy? Apart from Saturn. Yet you all stand here arguing and fighting. Hang your heads in shame. And will someone please think of the children!”
And the Gods were sore ashamed, and there was much wailing and gnashing of pears. So from thence forth they did no longer argue or quarrel about petty things such as creation or who was the supreme ruler of the universe. Instead they did decide to live alongside one another in peace and harmony, and to work together to gang up on humans. Then they all pledged their allegiance to Xenu.
Amen.
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