SCENE 5
EXT./INT. HOUSE IN THE MOUNTAINS
HARRIET and DAVID are standing outside a large house. It is an expensive looking house, with a large garden and a large car in a big driveway. Harriet and David are walking up the front steps to a double-door.
David: This can’t be her house. A teacher couldn’t afford this.
Harriet: This is her brother’s house. I have on good authority that the entire family is gathered here at this moment.
David: You have it on whose authority?
Harriet: Never you mind.
David: You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?
Harriet: (sharply) Just ring the doorbell.
(David rings the bell. The door is opened by an old man, REEVES, wearing a black suit and thick glasses).
Reeves: (formally) May I help you?
Harriet: Good morning sir. We’re journalists and…
(Reeves shuts the door in her face).
David: (sarcastically) Well, that was effective.
Harriet: Shut up.
David: I have an idea.
(He rings the doorbell. Reeves opens it again).
Reeves: (angrily) The family does not wish to see any journalists, so if you would be so kind…
David: (interrupting) What my friend meant was that we’re journalism students. Pupils of Ms Caine. We came to pay our respects.
Reeves: I see. (reluctantly) Well, enter, please. I am Reeves, the butler.
David: Butler?
Reeves: (acidly) Yes. Butler.
(They enter a large entrance hall)
Reeves (cont’d): If you would wait here, I will ask the Colonel if he will see you.
(He exits through a side door).
Harriet: Colonel?
David: (hysterically) Oh my God! This is like some horrible parody!
Harriet: Get a grip! At least we’re in now.
David: Thanks to my brilliant plan.
Harriet: Your brilliant plan? All you did was tell the truth!
David: It’s surprising how often people forget about that plan. It got us in didn’t it?
Harriet: True. I tip my cap to you, Watson.
David: But you’re not wearing a cap.
(Harriet is about to respond when Reeves re-enters).
Reeves: The Colonel will see you. If you will come this way.
(They enter through the side door. The come into a large room. There are three sofas in a semicircle around a large, glass coffee table. Seated on them are four people; the solicitor, MR GARETH, the brother THE COLONEL, the sister, MARY, and what appears to be an old, French maid, ADEL. There is a roaring fire at one end of the room, and a large window with heavy, drawn curtains at the other.)
Reeves: This is Miss…
Harriet: Johnson.
Reeves: Miss Johnson and Mr…
David: Watson.
(Harriet gives him a quizzical look, and he winks back.)
Reeves: And Mr Watson.
Colonel: Thank you Reeves.
(Reeves exits).
Colonel (cont’d): Now, what can I do for you young things?
Harriet: We’ve come to pay our respects. We are… or were rather, students of Jessica Caine.
Colonel: (kindly) Good eggs. Nasty business this, what?
Harriet: (to David) An authentic 1920’s English Colonel in 21st Century Sydney. How… how…
David: Odd?
Colonel: (not appearing to hear them). I am Colonel John Caine, Jess’ brother.
Harriet: But I thought Caine was her married name?
Mary: It was. She married another Caine, no relation of ours of course. Her third husband. Or was it her second. Lord knows, she’s had quite a few of them! (laughs like a zebra). I’m Mary by the way. Jess’ sister. Mary Caine. Of course. (laughs again).
Colonel: (leans over to Harriet and David and whispers). Our Mary is a bit… you know… lacking upstairs, if you catch me.
Harriet: (to David). Relatives of yours are they?
David: (confused) Eh?
Colonel: Sweet girl she is though. Quite a few in our family like her. Take that lady there in the corner.
(He points to Adel).
Harriet: The maid?
Colonel: (laughing). She thinks she is. That’s our mother, Adel.
David: Why does she think she’s a maid?
Colonel: No one knows. Doctor thinks she may have had a stroke or something. One morning we got up and went down to the dinning room and there she was.
Harriet: Unconscious?
Colonel: Polishing the silver.
David: Why is she dressed as a French maid?
Colonel: Well, we thought as long as she was convinced she was a maid she might as well look the part.
(Mr Gareth stands up and walks to them. He is tall and intimidating).
Gareth: I’m Mr Gareth, Ms. Caine’s solicitor. I didn’t quite catch what it was you were doing here?
Harriet: We came to pay our respects.
Gareth: I see.
Mary: Very kind of you, I’m sure.
Harriet: We didn’t really know her outside uni. What was she like?
Mary: I’m not really sure. One doesn’t have the time to see family these days.
Harriet: Doesn’t one?
(Mary laughs, and Harriet and David cringe).
Colonel: She was really the black sheep of the family. Married a penniless actor when she was 19. We tried to stop her but she said it was true love.
Harriet: Oh, how romantic!
Colonel: The divorce came through ten weeks later.
David: He’s right, it was true love.
Harriet: You said I think Miss Caine that she had three husbands?
Colonel: Four actually. The second… let me see now, who was the second? (he calls out to Adel) Mother!
(She ignores him)
Colonel (cont’d): Mother!
(She ignores him again)
Colonel (cont’d): (sighing) Adel!
Adel: Oui monsieur?
David: Oh my God, she’s having another stroke!
Harriet: She’s speaking French you idiot.
Colonel: Adel, who was Jess’ second husband?
Adel: Que?
Colonel: (sighing and with a very bad French accent). Le deux husband de Jess.
David: Was that French?
Harriet: No.
Adel: Ah, mai oui. He was le millionaire, n’est pas?
Colonel: Of course! Her second husband was a millionaire.
Mary: That’s right! And she was welcomed back with open arms! (laughs).
Colonel: But then came her third husband. A poor musician he was.
David: And back out of the family I guess?
Mary: Of course.
Harriet: And the fourth?
Colonel: The late Mr Caine. He was a rather fine businessman. Very rich.
Harriet: And you welcomed her back into the family?
Colonel: Certainly. But then he died in very vulgar and suspicious circumstances.
Harriet: So she was back out?
Colonel: That’s right.
David: (to Harriet). This is just like the hokey pokey. I’m starting to get dizzy.
Harriet: (to the family). Can you think of anyone who would want to kill your sister?
Colonel: I can’t think of anyone.
Gareth: I can’t think of anyone.
Mary: I can’t think.
(Everyone else looks at her. She is staring into space).
Harriet: I see. Who was her beneficiary?
Mary: Her what?
Harriet: Her beneficiary.
Adel: Que?
Harriet: (wearily). Le beneficiary.
Adel: Ah, je comprende.
Colonel: I’m not sure. That’s a matter for Gareth. (yells) Gareth?!
Gareth: I’m right here Colonel.
Colonel: Good show.
Gareth: (to David and Harriet) I was about to read the will when you arrived.
Harriet: Oh. In that case…
David: (interrupting) We’ll stay.
Harriet: (hits him). This is obviously a private matter, so we’ll just…
Colonel: Nonsense. Make yourselves at home. It’s good having young people about to break up the sombre mood.
(Harriet looks to Mary, who has headphones in her ears and is bouncing up and down to music).
Colonel (cont’d): (snapping) Mary!
Mary: (takes the headphones out). Yes?
Colonel: Where did you get that? (Mary shrugs). Never mind. We’re about to hear the will.
Mary: Oh, how exciting!
(Harriet and David sit down on the sofa)
Harriet: (to David) Rather callous bunch aren’t they?
David: I had one of those?
Harriet: One of what?
David: A callous.
Harriet: I shouldn’t have asked.
Gareth: (stands up and reads the will). This is the last will and testament of Jessica Katherine Mary Sarah Rebecca Nathan Caine.
David: Should we ask?
Harriet: No.
Gareth: (glaring at them) Some silence if you don’t mind.
Harriet: Sorry.
David: (to himself) Nathan?
Gareth: (reading). I have gathered my fortune over the years, which now amounts to one million dollars, one penny, two paper clips and a large silver button.
(David opens his mouth to say something. Harriet pushes his jaw back up).
Gareth (cont’d): This is to be shared equally between my relations. To my brother, John, I leave… one penny. May it teach him that what goes around comes around.
Colonel: (angrily) Well really!
Gareth: (reading). To my sister Mary I leave my large silver button.
Mary: How splendid!
Gareth: (reading) They’re not real silver Mary. (looking up) She’s thought of everything hasn’t she? (reading) To my dear mother, Adel, if she is still kicking, I leave the two paper clips. She will probably not know what they are anyway.
Adel: Que?
Harriet: (to David) I told you she was vindictive.
David: That’s not sharing equally.
Gareth: (reading). My fortune of one million dollars will go to… (looks up). My son.
Colonel: What?
Mary: Her son?
Harriet: Doesn’t she have a son?
Colonel: None that we know of. I say, this is an absolute outrage! Of all the ungrateful…
Gareth: (coming over). Here is your penny Colonel. (holds out a coin).
Colonel: I’m so insulted I refuse to take a cent of her money!
(Takes the coin and pockets it quickly).
Gareth: (walking over to Mary) Here is your button Miss Caine.
Mary: Ooo, shiny! (takes the button from him).
Gareth: (to Adel). And your paper clips.
Adel: Que?
Gareth: (sighing) Le clips de paper.
Adel: (angrily) Que scandeleux!
(There is a lot of angry noises from the Colonel and Adel. Gareth, David and Harriet slip out quietly through the door).
Mary: (staring transfixed at the button) I like shiny!
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