Once upon a time, in a far off kingdom known as Sydney’s North Shore, there lived a rich man and his wife. This happy couple had been blessed with three daughters, because daughters always come in threes in this sort of tale. The eldest was named Apple-May Rose, the middle was named Xena-Venus the 2nd, and the third was named Emily – for DoCs had threatened to revoke the couple’s parenting licence on account of their inability to choose real names for their children.
One day the family decided to have a picnic on the beach. The sun burned brightly in the azure sky (azure being like blue, but far more expensive), and the sand was warm and inviting. So the man and his wife put on their fake tans, stretched out on the beach and were soon fast asleep.
With their parents snoring gently in the sun, the three daughters were free to do whatever they wanted. Spying an outcrop of rock not far from them the eldest, Apple-May, plucked up her courage and said;
“I bet I can climb all the way to the top of those rocks.”
So she clambered her way over the slippery, moss covered rocks until she reached the top.
The middle daughter, Xena-Venus the 2nd, who was a jealous little girl and didn’t like to be shown up by her sister, said;
“Well, I bet I can climb to the top as well.”
So she too clambered her way over the slippery, moss covered rocks until she reach the top.
The youngest, Emily, who liked to do everything that her sisters did, said;
“Well, I bet…”
But before she could finish a wave came and took her into the sea, proving that fairy tales aren’t quite as predictable as you thought. The two older sisters, having climbed to the top of the rocks, were too far away to help Emily so they watched, weeping as their little sister disappeared into the sea. And they wept salty tears, and their hearts were rent in twain which my editor assures me is an actual expression.
But far from being drowned in the sea, Emily was carried by the current and the tide until she washed up on a remote beach some miles away. There she lay, cold and alone. And the all the fish in the sea saw the plight of the poor child, and they were greatly saddened, and there was much wailing and gnashing of fins.
Emily was sad. She could not swim back, despite the many ‘Daddy and me’ swimming lessons she had attended with the family’s chauffeur at the local pools. The beach was surrounded by tall cliffs which she could not climb, although her mother had taken her abseiling in the Andes for her second birthday. So she stayed on the beach all day, staring into the cold blue ocean which had stolen her from her family.
Night came and Emily looked for somewhere warm where she could sleep. She found a cave in the cliffs which was warm and dry, filled with soft seaweed and pink shells and trilobites (which have been extinct for thousands of years, but nobody has told them yet). Emily made a bed from the seaweed, curled up for warmth, and fell asleep.
She was awakened some hours later by a buzzing noise above her head. Raising her eyes upwards she saw that the roof of the cave was full of small, floating balls of light. They darted around like drunken mosquitoes. One drifted down towards her and landed on her nose. On closer inspection she saw that it was a tiny woman with delicate butterfly wings and a dress made of seaweed and moss.
“Who are you?” Emily asked.
“We are the Beach Fairies,” said the tiny, glowing woman.
“Beach fairies?” said Emily, who had only ever seen fairies in the paintings on her bedroom walls that her parents had commissioned Rolf Harris to create.
“That is correct,” said the fairy. “My name is Bondi. That tall one over there is Seven Mile. And here is my sister, Manly.”
A small, fat fairy with a three day growth and a cigar waved. It flapped its wings furiously to keep its enormous weight airborne.
“Each fairy here has its own beach,” Bondi continued, gesturing towards the glowing mass above her. “If there is a beach anywhere in the world, there is a fairy for it.”
“Why are you all here?” asked Emily.
“We need your help,” said Bondi. “The wicked sea witch has put a curse on our people, and only a human can break the spell. Can you help us?”
“Actually, I was hoping you could help me get home,” said Emily.
“Oh,” said Bondi. “Well. I suppose we can do that.”
“Sorry,” said Emily, “but sea witches really aren’t my thing.”
“What about driving away the dreaded Giant Squid that has plagued our lands for centuries?” Bondi asked.
“Sorry,” said Emily, “I’m allergic to molluscs.”
“How about saving my daughter who is going to be sacrificed to the Dolphin King?”
“Yeah, look I’m not that good a swimmer,” said Emily. “My chauffeur says I’m not very buoyant.”
“Oh,” said Bondi, looking sad. “Well. I guess we’ll just have to hope that another young girl washes up on this beach.”
“I just want to get back to my family,” said Emily, suddenly growing sad. “I miss them all. And we’re having dinner at Tetsuya’s tomorrow. Do you know how long you have to wait to make a reservation there? Please, can you help me get home?”
Bondi laughed and shook her head in a kindly fashion.
“Sweet, simple Emily,” she said. “Poor sweet, simple, self-centred Emily. You’ve had the power to go home all the time. Just tap your shoes together and say ‘there’s no place like home.”
“I’m not wearing shoes,” said the girl.
Bondi frowned.
“Oh. That makes things a bit more difficult.”
So she thought and she thought. And the other fairies thought and thought. And together they came up with an idea. Each of them fluttered down, thousands of them, and took a hold of Emily. With much effort they raised her off the ground and began to fly her out of the cave and across the beach.
“Oh thank you, Bondi!” Emily cried. “Thank you Beach Fairies! You’re taking me home!”
They flew her across the sand and out to sea, struggling to keep the child afloat.
And then they dropped her into the sea where she was eaten by the Dolphin King. Manly spat into the water where Emily had sunk beneath the waves.
And the Dolphin King appeased, he set Bondi’s daughter free. And then fairies and dolphins became great friends, and the dolphins helped to defeat the Giant Squid and the Sea Witch.
And Emily’s father and mother and sisters ate at Tetsuya’s anyway, and found that the bill was a lot less than normal.
And they all lived happily ever after.
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