A selection of writings that came to me while I was working. I really have too much time on my hands. Special credit given to Todd Backhouse and Nathan Hartley King for their assistance with certain rhyming words.
Doctor Suess meets My Dinner With Andre
The scene: a Chinese restaurant in the suburbs. A couple are sitting down in dim, romantic lighting at a table for two by the window. They both have menus. The young man has straight, angular features, dark hair and the look of someone who, successful though he may be, has never cooked a meal in his life. His companion is an elegant, blonde woman dripping in jewellery, perfume and other signs of the terminally wealthy.
Scene 1.
Enter waiter.
Waiter: I am Sam. Sam I am. Can I take your order ma’am?
Woman: I think I’ll have green curried lamb. I’ve never tried it Sam I Am.
Waiter: (incredulous) You’ve never tried green curried lamb?
Woman: That’s what I just said, Sam I Am.
Waiter: (writing) One serving of green curried lamb. (Turns to man). Will sir partake of curried lamb?
Man: I do not like green curried lamb. One large fried rice please; hold the ham. (aside) I hear it’s really B-Grade spam.
Waiter: (affronted) I assure you sir, it isn’t spam. We only use the finest ham. So… (checking list) One serving of green curried lamb. One large fried rice without the ham. Would you like a roasted yam?
Woman: I’ve never tried a roasted yam.
Waiter: (shocked) You’ve never tried, green curried lamb , you’ve never tried a roasted yam…?
Woman: Yes! I’ve never had green curried lamb, I’ve never had a roasted yam, I’ve never been to Amsterdam, now get a move on Sam I Am!
Waiter: One serving of green curried lamb, one large fried rice without the ham, a complimentary roasted yam. I’d offer you green eggs and ham but copyright… you understand.
Scene 2.
Later that meal.
Enter waiter.
Waiter: Is there a problem with the food?
Man: (annoyed) There is a problem with the food, although I don’t want to be rude.
Woman: I do not like this so called ‘yam’, your finest ‘ham’ is worse than spam and I got beef instead of lamb.
Man: I can’t digest this beef black bean, the garlic chicken’s turning green and I suspect it’s Lean Cuisine.
Woman: I want you to take this food away. Take it all at once I say.
Waiter: Do you want a doggy bag? Come on now don’t be a drag. In Africa are children who would kill for food like I gave you.
Man: Don’t pressure us to take your ‘food’ unless you rather like being sued. I am a lawyer don’t you know, I’ll take your house if I want it so.
Waiter: (meekly) But think of the hungry, and the poor. Surely you could eat some more.
Woman: Very well, we’ll take the food, but I think your methods are quite crude.
Waiter: Very good ma’am, bless your heart. Your choice methinks is rather smart. Shall I add it to the bill? (They glare). Never mind, don’t think I will.
Song of Despair
Lyrics by Sam Cook
Music resembling that of ‘These Are a Few of My Favourite Things’ (not that I’d admit it in court).
Lawyers, solicitors, legal professions.
Football and cricket and other obsessions.
Ministers dancing in their underpants,
We still have to listen to Kyle Sanderlands
Tiny pink handbags and old ladies purses
(You think that my writers could write better verses)
People who don’t know how to pronounce ‘blouse’
Hugh Laurie’s American accent in ‘House’.
Chorus
Global warming, the recession, and Burt Newton’s hair.
Whenever I think of my least favourite things, it sends me into despair.
Writing song lyrics when you have to rhyme it
The things that are happening to the world’s climate
I have nothing else to do but sing this song.
The new finance minister is Penny Wong.
Chorus
Repeat until unfriendly looking Austrian man with extensive progeny enters. Commence pillow fight.
The Movie Song
Lyrics by Sam Cook
Tune; that of ‘If I Only Had a Brain’… just use your imagination.
I wouldn’t watch it when I’m bored, or even while I snored,
Nor in summer when it’s hot.
It could sell out the box office; it could take out all the Oscars
If it only had a plot.
Just because it has effects, occasional train wrecks,
It doesn’t mean a jot.
Though there’s action in abundance it could do with some more substance;
It could really use a plot.
Oh I, could tell you why,
I think this film is such a bore.
I don’t care if the score’s by Howard Shore,
Or even if it’s starring Demi Moore.
I could be dinning at The Towers, instead of spending hours,
Putting up with all this rot.
Though the camera may be shaky I still know that it’s a fakey
Cos it doesn’t have a plot.
Oh, why is it so?
Where could all the writing talent be?
No longer are they in the industry.
Or perhaps they all work for the ABC?
It was even worse than ‘Cars’, but I’ll still give two stars,
Which is really quite a lot.
On your backs you should be pattin', I gave more than David Stratton,
Even though it has no plot.
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