Back by popular demand.
SCENE 2 - EXT. OUTSIDE UNIVERSITY. AFTERNOON
HARRIET and DAVID sitting on a brick wall outside the lecture theatre. There is no sign of the police but there is noise coming from the theatre. The theatre is visible in the right of the screen, and there are a few buildings behind them.
Harriet: (quietly). Are you ok?
David: Yes.
Harriet: How did she die?
David: (pause). I think she was murdered.
Harriet: Why?
David: Unless she was flexible enough to stab herself in the back I think it’s the most likely conclusion.
Harriet: How did you know something was up?
David: (brightening). Ah! (with French accent). I used the little grey cells.
Harriet: I didn’t know you read Christie. I didn’t know you read anything. I thought you were illiterate.
David: (bristling). I’ll have you know my parents were married way before I was born!
Harriet: I… oh never mind. How did you know she was there?
David: Easy. I saw her car. If her car was here, then she must have been here. Elementary my dear Watson.
Harriet: On to Conan Doyle now are we? I must admit though that was pretty clever of you.
David: I told you I wasn’t as dumb as I looked.
Harriet: You were eating a coaster at the time.
David: That’s irrelevant.
(There is a brief silence).
David (cont’d): The crime must have been premeditated.
Harriet: You surprise me. I didn’t realise you knew such big words. Do you know what premeditated means?
David: No, but it makes me feel smart and important.
Harriet: It means that whoever killed her had planned it.
David: Then it must have been premeditated. Only two people could have put up the sign saying that classes were cancelled; the lecturer in which case she would be sick rather than dead, or the murderer who knew she was dead.
Harriet: You’ve got it.
David: (pauses thoughtfully). Is it possible to have a postmeditated crime?
Harriet: (bewildered). What?
David: A crime that was planned after it was committed.
Harriet: I don’t think so. It would take a pretty special person to do that.
David: True. (thinks). I suppose she could have been sick after all?
Harriet: When last I checked, a knife wound to the back wasn’t classed as an illness. It’s more of a misadventure.
David: True. You’re much smarter than I am.
Harriet: That’s not very hard.
David: (offended). I’ll have you know I’m the smartest person in my family.
Harriet: Dear god.
David: (continuing to rant). It’s been very difficult for my family to work their way up to their current position, and education hasn’t been the main priority. When my grandfather came to this country all he had was a coat and a small goatee.
Harriet: Really? How did he survive?
David: He passed himself off as a goat.
Harriet: (slumping down onto the ground). I shouldn’t have asked.
David: It’s quite logical really.
Harriet: He’s as mad as you are.
David: You see, he already looked like a goat.
Harriet: (wearily). I see.
David: And he was quite the actor.
Harriet: I’m beginning to despair of life.
David: So what better way to keep fed and watered then to join a goat herd and keep a low profile. (he finishes triumphantly).
Harriet: (staring at him in amazement). Does insanity run in your family?
David: (laughing) Nobody runs in my family.
Harriet: I see. Where was your father when your pop was masquerading as a goat?
David: Oh, he was just a kid at the time.
(Harriet hits her head against the brick wall).
David (cont’d): Why are you doing that?
Harriet: It’s less painful this way. Look, let’s get back to the matter at hand.
David: Which is?
Harriet: The murder.
David: Oh yeah. Well, I don’t see what we can do.
Harriet: Well, with my brains and your…
(She looks at him; he stares vacantly back)
Harriet (cont’d): …with my brains I’m sure we can solve the mystery.
David: Why?
Harriet: Why not?
(They sit in silence. David draws an apple out of his bag and begins to eat).
Harriet (cont’d): David?
David: Mmmm?
Harriet: I’m afraid to ask, but…how long did your grandfather pass for a goat.
David: Two years.
Harriet: Two years? How could he disguise himself for that long?
David: Well, the goatherd humoured him for the first 18 months but eventually he paid pop to go away.
Harriet: There’s method in his madness.
David: (taking a bite of the apple). Or madness in his method.
Harriet: (cautiously). You do know that’s Shakespeare, don’t you?
David: Of course. Hamlet.
Harriet: (thankfully). There is a God.
David: One of the best filmmakers of all time.
Harriet: Who?
David: Shakespeare. Apple?
(Offers Harriet an apple. She looks at it carefully).
Harriet: No thanks. It might be contagious.
David: What might?
Harriet: Never mind.
(David continues to eat).
David: You know what I think?
Harriet: We’re back to that are we?
David: I think it might be rather fun to investigate this murder. We don’t have anything better to do.
Harriet: Then we feel exactly the same way?
David: (looks mournfully at his apple core). Not exactly.
(He throws it away).
David (cont’d): I’m still hungry.
(A policeman approaches; Inspector Gregor).
Gregor: Excuse me kids. I believe you found the body.
Harriet: That’s right.
Gregor: May I have a word with you both?
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